How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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