i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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