Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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