i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
