she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize