i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
