I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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