she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
