My balls are so social today.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
