fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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