Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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