Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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