Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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