you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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