dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
