I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
