They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
