SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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