was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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