Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
she looked like the before picture.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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