paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
