He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
