Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
