I can text with my tongue
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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