Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
