If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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