I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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