I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
