I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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