you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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