if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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