There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
