You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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