then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
