I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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