After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
