Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
