I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
