when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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