I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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