There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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