you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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