are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
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