The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize