trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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