Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
