new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
