I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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