arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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