god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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