i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
