You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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