I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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