My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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