I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
