I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
