I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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