sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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