i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
