Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
