Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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