Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
