I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
