why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
