She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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