I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
