He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
