your thong is hanging out like whoa
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize